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It is so hard to trust God sometimes, isn’t it? Faith. Doubt. Peace. Fear.
This has been the continual topic of conversation lately between God’s heart and mine.
A couple of days ago, I was doing more listening than talking and God reminded me that human beings interpret the character of others through the eyes of their own integrity. If a man has a deceitful, scheming heart he will be wary that others are the same. If a woman smiles and waves to her neighbor while thinking malicious thoughts she will forever maintain a wall of protection around her own heart, and what might have been a close, rewarding friendship will end before it could begin.
That is why we don’t trust God. We make determinations about His character based on our own weaknesses. We know that we sometimes fail to provide for those we love. We all can remember some moment when we broke a promise out of our own selfishness. Even when we love well, we hurt those we love so we keep God at a distance watching and waiting for the moment He will abandon us, fail us…refuse to answer our cry when we need Him most.
But God is not like man that He should lie. (Numbers 23:19)
He is not like us. Such a simple truth, but it is such a long journey from our heads to our hearts.
Not long ago, God was so gracious to give me a verse of scripture for the next stage of my life. It was His proclamation of what was to come and His sweet promise that He would be with me all the way. Get ready now child. Things are about to change…..
I was so excited when the words leapt off the page. I have since discovered there is a fine line between excitement and abject terror.
This was God’s message to me:
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
Can I just say that it is terrifying for a blind person to go down an unfamiliar path?
Here is the thing, when God begins to lead us into the leaden night down a way we have never gone before, we want Him to let us in on the plan. We want Him to spell out in the beginning just how He is going to take care of it all.
And guess what? That is not trust. See, the reason we want the details because we are not so sure He is going to deliver us.
But…..God does not illuminate the entire path. He just makes the darkness light before us. He gives enough light for the next step, and then the next, and then the next……
Trusting Him for the light we have not yet received….that is true faith.
”God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19
I pull to a stop under a pine tree and glance at the exterior thermometer on my van. 26 degrees Fahrenheit. Puzzle takes one look out the window and immediately recognizes where we are and begins to hop from one seat to another, whining in anticipation.
“Just a minute, girl.” I say.
I pull on gloves, and ear warmers and raise my hood. Then, the door is open and we are out: my feet, and her paws crunching across the frozen grass. The sky above is a pale, clear blue, and cloudless. Off in the distance, one lone man throws a ball for his two Labradors. Despite the pinch collar, Puzzle strains at her leash. The cold has made her feel alive and she wants to run.
And so we run.
Concrete paths weave throughout the park but we ignore them and cut straight across the rolling expanse of grass. We come to a pond and find every plant and blade of grass around it icy with heavy frost. Several ducks splash down into the frigid water and we stop to watch them. I wonder how they can stand to swim in water so cold, and Puzzle wonders if duck is tasty. I tug her leash and we walk on.
Around a bend and to our right I spot two old trees which grew from seed right next to each other till they seem to melt into one. Their bases side by side, their branches wrapped around each other here and there in silent embrace. I pause to take in their beauty and wonder if they were seedlings when the armies from the North and the South clashed all around them in one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War.
Puzzle pulls impatiently at the leash and we run again, this time following the soft curve of a stream which bubbles here and there with waters moving too rapidly to freeze. We reach a small bridge and the puppy balks, afraid. I coax her on and she gathers her courage to cross it. I look down into a pool below and see a golf ball in the water testifying to the life of the place between the time it was a battle ground and its current existence as a park.
We follow the curve of the stream again, this time on the opposite bank. Here and there trees grow along the very edge, their roots exposed just above the water and I am sure some small animal must live in their shelter. I remember The Wind and the Willows and imagine elaborate homes in the bank hidden from view, the roots of the tree serving as terraces and porches where the Water Rat might entertain his friends on a warm summer evening.
Out into the open again, and when we come to a swell in the former golf course, Puzzle always wants to run to the top. Eventually, we reach an old sand pit rimmed with tall meadow grass. Each minute frond is encrusted with ice that dances jewel like under the brilliant sun. Before we know it we have reached the furthest corner of the park where its borders meet those of Carnton Plantation and there the stream has been altered by nature. Beavers have busily transformed it into a wetland. Oh, the neighbors complain. It floods. It smells.
Today, it is glorious.
Every blade of water grass, every reed, tree and plant is encrusted with ice. The sunlight reflects off of it is so brightly it hurts my eyes and in that moment, God speaks to me.
“If I can do that….I can handle the burden you bear. Don’t worry my child. I want you to be without care.”
I sigh and know it is true and then, I hand it all over to Him. Again.
I bend down to adjust Puzzle’s collar and rub her under the chin. She turns big brown eyes up to mine and I kiss her on the nose. It is icy.
Our walk is over. The real world awaits. My hands are freezing when I close the van door behind me and crank the engine but my heart is warm because I am reminded once again that I am safe in His hand.
I have a “To Do List” for today. It is full of the mundane. One after another tasks are listed in order, awaiting my attention.
1. Exercise
2. Go to the laundry mat (the washer is broken)
3. Sweep the floors
On and on it goes……
So, I made another “To Do List”. A list full of purpose, joy, life. Things, I musn’t ever, ever forget…
To Do List
1. Sing to the Lord a new song.
2. Give thanks.
3. Hug and kiss my kids.
4. Tell my husband what he means to me.
5. Say “I love you.” Alot.
6. Sit and watch the birds.
7. Walk outside, even if only for a few moments.
8. Savor every drop of tea in my cup.
9. Pray.
10. Find moments to be still before God.
11. Laugh
12. Be silly with my little ones.
13. Offer kindness to a stranger.
14. Smile.
15. Sing.
16. Turn up the radio and dance.
17. Turn off the radio and listen to the music in my heart.
18. Read to my kids.
19. Sit in my comfy chair and read a chapter of something to myself.
20. Imagine what Heaven will be like and pray that Jesus returns today.
